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Simons: I have to stop him...err...me!
A bunch of nurses and doctors come in, and sedate Simons, who is trying to leave the hospital. Simons wakes a couple hours later, and Trey Reed has arrived there.
Simons: Trey, you aren't going to believe this! I am the ruler of the world!
Trey: Doc! DOC! Come in here! He thinks he is Sid Vicious!!! Simons: No, dude! I was in some other universe. You would not believe it! I have to go back there after Gold Rush to finish saving them!
Trey: ............right. You have been here the whole time, dude. It was a hallucination from the head damage.
Simons: No way! It was real! It was! Dammit, Trey. Don’t you think it is just a little funny that I so happen to show up at the hospital the same day as Gold Rush?
Trey: That is what I am trying to tell you! You have been here since Monday!
Simons: ...no! That...can't be! I was there! I swear it!
Trey: Just settle down, dude. You need rest.
Simons: Screw that! I need to get to...The Rush! I am going to win the world title tonight, baby! Otherwise, the world will end.
Trey: ...sweet Jesus.
Simons begins to get out of bed as we flash back to the announcers.
MI: Fans, we have heard that indeed Simons signed a release, and will be here TONIGHT to fight in the Main Event!!!
Cue the opening pyros for the pay-per-view!
MI: Good evening fans and welcome to NEW Gold Rush, live from the Staples Center in Los Angeles, California! New Era Wrestling’s pay-per-view spectacular is about to get underway, and what a phenomenal event we’ll have for you this evening. Fans, I’m Mike Ixnay, alongside my broadcast partner, Larry Nabisco.
LN: And this is gonna be an event for the ages, Mike. Tonight, in our main event, the World Heavyweight Title will be up for grabs. Sport Jones will make his initial defense of the title in a triple-threat match against D. R. H. and Damien Simons. Jones doesn’t even have to be involved in the pinfall decision in order to lose the title-- D. R. H. could pin Simons, or vice-versa.
MI: An important point. Also tonight, fans, Adam Holiday and GRENDEL will put an end to their feud as they battle each other in a King of the Cage match. The newly-sanctioned NEW Soul Survivor Title belt will be on the line. An old-style cage will surround the ring, with a Hell in a Cell surrounding that. There will be a ladder at the top of the Cell, and the object is to climb that ladder and retrieve the Soul Survivor Title belt to win.
LN: In another match tonight, Steve Grant will defend his newly-won Intercontinental Championship against Trey Reed! And it’s going to be in a submission match. One of those two men will have to give up to the other. How embarrassing would it be for Steve Grant to have to tap out of one of Trey Reed’s moves, or vice-versa?
MI: That’s certainly going to be a heated contest. Now, fans who watched Nothing’s Hallowed last month no doubt remember the amazing Death Times Three match that took place between Lestat, Adam Styles and En Fuego. Well tonight, fans, Dx3 returns. Casanova, the North American Heavyweight Champion, will defend the gold against Lestat and “Big Money” Benjamin G.
LN: Enough talk Mike, let’s go to the ring for our first matchup!
MI: Adam Styles and Rabidion will face A-Bomb Bill and Drifter, formally of Alpha Storm.
LN: What in the hell are A-Bomb Bill and Drifter doing back in the NEW? These two don't even deserve to be in this arena here tonight.
"Wish" by NIN plays over the PA as En Fuego comes down to ringside, pulls two tables out from under the ring, extends the legs and stacks one on top of the other.
MI: What the hell is he doing?
LN: Looks like joining us to do some commentary.
MI: Mr. Fuego, how are you tonight?
EF: Well, not too bad, Mike, I'm feeling a little tipsy, BDC's birthday party is going on in the back, so I'm doing my best Wolvie impression.
LN: What's up with the tables?
EF: Don't worry about that Larry, you'll find out in a few minutes.
MI: Let's get to the ring......
All four men get into the ring
MI: It looks like Styles is starting it off here against A-Bomb Bill.
LN: What's the story on Bill, and why is he dressed like the Crow?
EF: I don't know, but he's been walking around for years talking about not raining all the time or something
LN: Something else is bothering me too. Why is Drifter dressed like Spiderman? Wasn't Nothing Hallowed last month?
EF: Drifter is a long story that I can't say on the air.
MI: And we'll leave it at that folks. As now Styles is just over powering Bill, tossing him around like a little kid. Bill tries to tag Drifter, but Styles just throws him to a neutral corner.
LN: The Crow needs to tag in Spiderman. Only in the NEW would that ever be said.
EF: Yeah, I don't know what BDC was thinking when he signed this.
MI: Aren't these two in your stable, Fuego?
EF: Mike, The Storm is no longer, Ares and I decided that a long time ago. There is no sense kicking a dead horse.
MI: Right.....
LN: Styles tags in Rabidion and the former Rabbi just powerbombed Bill. cover...1...2...kick out by the Crow.
MI: A-Bomb Bill is showing a lot of ring rust here, he hasn't seen action for about 3 years.
EF: Well, the guys have kinda been put on the back burner the last few years. Reaves couldn't find a job for them, so they were put on a stand-by of sorts.
MI: Back to the action....
LN: If you want to call it that.
MI: Right. Drifter finally got the tag in and he's hitting everything in sight, Styles down, Rabidion down, Styles back up and he walks right into a Spinebuster!
LN: Spiderman is cleaning house!
EF: This is pathetic. You guys mind if I smoke?
MI: Ummm, no I guess not.
EF: Right.
LN: As Fuego takes a smoke break Drifter has got Rabidion in the Single Crab, and Styles is out cold.
EF: I'm tired of this....
Fuego gets up and enters the ring.
MI: He just pushed Drifter off Rabidion. He picks Rabidion up......NINE INCH NAIL!! He rolls Rabidion out of the ring. The ref is letting it go. Here comes Styles, and he walks into a Fuegobomb!!!
LN: He's keeping Styles in the ring. Bill and Drifter have no idea what to do. Fuego is yelling at them to stay in the ring. Fuego goes outside and pulls a ladder out from under the ring and sets it up inside the ring by the ropes.
MI: Look, Larry, that ladder is by the tables he set up on the way down.
The lights go out and "March of the Pigs" by NIN plays for a bit and then the music stops.
LN: I hate this dark crap. Somebody turn on the lights!
MI: Larry, you smell something cooking?
The tables ignite on fire and a dark figure jumps off the ladder through the tables and somebody immediately puts the fire out. After a few moments, the lights come back on.
MI: THAT'S MIKEY!!!!! LOOK OUTSIDE THE RING!!!!
LN: Drifter and Bill are in the middle of those broken tables. Look in the ring Mike!
MI: It's Mikey and En Fuego is in the ring with him. These two brothers have a horrible past.
LN: What?! They're hugging? What is this crap? These two are going to team?
MI: Fuego goes outside and grabs Drifter and rolls him in the ring.
LN: Mikey rolls Drifter on Styles.
MI: Ref counts 1....2......3!!!!!
LN: A-Bomb Bill and Drifter win, but they don't look like winners.
MI: Mikey's back in the NEW and he's back with his brother En Fuego! Fans, we'll be right back.
A preview of NEW Starrcade 2001 is shown...
The camera fades in backstage to the locker room of Interstate 999.2k1, where Trey Reed, Damien Simons, and Jade Diamond have just come in. They look like their in bad shape, especially Damien since he was nearly crippled on Monday. Jade walks over to his locker as Trey and Damien sit down and turn on the big-screen.
Jade: I swear by the sacred stylish hand of Giovanni Armani that once I get those two rednecks in the ring, I'm going to give them a lesson in respect they won't soon forget!
As Jade is looking towards Trey and Damien and talking, he opens up his locker...and doesn't notice the bald, spandex-clad, two-foot midget hanging by a coat hook in his locker with a murderous look on his face. Jade turns around to his locker and his eyes get as wide as saucers as the dwarf lets out a yell, leaps onto Jade, and starts biting his nose!
LN: MY GOD!!! IT'S THE HARDCORE MIDGET!!! THAT WAS ONE OF D.R.H'S OLD MANAGERS IN E.G.W.A.!!!! DAMAGE INC. IS AT IT AGAIN!!!
MI: It looks like D.R.H is bringing back all his old managers tonight, Larry!
Jade screams for Trey to open the locker room door. Trey runs and throws it open, as Jade tosses the midget out of their locker room. The Hardcore Midget lands with a sickening thud against the wall, and Trey quickly slams the door shut as Jade nurses his hurt nose.
MI: Holy crap, that was... well, I guess the best word is strange!
LN: Strange? Damn those Damage Inc. bastards!
The camera cuts to the back, where we see Almost Famous, formerly known as the Job Mob. In case you forgot - and how could you - AF is Mucho Loco, Hardcore Improv Homie and Dead Rock.
DR: THE DEAD ROCK SAYS i crave action.
HIH: I DO TOO YO, I beez going nutz over hizere!
ML: Yo tengo bicicleta.
DR: THE DEAD ROCK SAYS let us go to the ring and demand a match.
HIH: WORD!
They run out of the shot.
LN: WHOO-HOO! Almost Famous!
MI: Almost who?
LN: Those three guys are funny as all hell, Mike!
MI: I’ll have to take your word for it... now it’s time for the Tag Team Title match!
MI: Well... IT'S TIME FOR THE TAG TEAM TITLE MATCH!!!! LET'S GO TO THE RING!!!!!
"Informer" by Snow starts up and some of the fans begin to cheer as Cletus and El Torres come walking out through the curtain dancing around. Cletus and Torres sprint down the aisle and slide inside the ring.
...IT'S TIME TO DO SOME DAMAGE...
The fans in the arena jump to their feet and cheer louder than ever as "No More Tears" by Ozzy Ozbourne starts up and out walk Hardcore Jay and D.R.H. with Thunderbird Al following behind them. Hardcore Jay raises his Singapore Cane high in the air as D.R.H. raises "The BWC" and "Dave" over his head to the cheers from the fans. Jay and D.R.H. then drop everything including their titles and rush to the ring as the Pimp Ryders slide outside. Jay and D.R.H. run out and start up a chase. D.R.H. sees El Torres slide inside the ring and D.R.H. goes the other way. D.R.H. jumps in the ring and takes El Torres down with a clothesline.
MI: AND HERE WE GO!!!!! D.R.H. starts the match by giving El Torres a big clothesline that almost took his head off. D.R.H. picks him back up now and sends him to the ropes. Torres comes back and leapfrogs D.R.H. as he ducks. D.R.H. looks back up and sees Torres coming. D.R.H. hits a back body drop but Torres lands on his feet. Torres comes back and slides through the legs of D.R.H. and comes back up AND HITS A REVERSE DDT!
LN: D.R.H. has to be a little bit quicker than El Torres if he wants to gain the advantage.
MI: Torres picks D.R.H. back up and whips him to the corner. Torres comes running up and JUMPS OFF THE CHEST OF D.R.H. AND DOES A BEAUTIFUL BACKFLIP BUT D.R.H. ENDS UP SPEARING TORRES DOWN TO THE MAT AS HE TRIED TO RUN AT HIM AGAIN!!!!
LN: He saw that one coming a mile away Mike.
MI: That he did and now D.R.H. picks him back up and places him on the turnbuckle. Look at this, D.R.H. hangs him upside down and he walks back a couple of feet. HE SIGNALS TO THE FANS BUT CLETUS TAKES EL TORRES OFF THE TURNBUCKLE RIGHT AS D.R.H. SLIDES FOR HIS HEAD!!!! Look at this now D.R.H. gets back up and Torres takes him down with a hip toss. Torres runs over to the ropes and jumps over D.R.H. as he drops to the mat. Torres comes back AND D.R.H. HITS A POWERSLAM!!!! Here's the cover 1... and a kick out by Torres.
LN: Look at this now D.R.H. picking Torres up and puts him in a headlock. He brings Torres over to his corner and there's the tag to Hardcore Jay. Look at this D.R.H. holds the headlock on for Jay. Jay runs to the ropes AND DROPKICKS THE TOP OF THE HEAD OF EL TORRES AS D.R.H. HELD ONTO HIM!!!!
MI: That one had to hurt Torres and this gives Damage Inc. control of the match. Hardcore Jay picks up Torres and sends him to the ropes. Torres comes back and Hardcore Jay lifts him in the air AND SLAMS HIM DOWN HARD!!!! Jay makes the cover 1... and another kick out by El Torres. Hardcore Jay now picking Torres up. Kicks him in the gut AND SENDS HIM DOWN WITH A DDT! Hardcore Jay back up and now talking some trash to Cletus Cameron who tries to get in the ring but the referee stops him AND THAT ALLOWS THE DOUBLE TEAM FROM JAY AND D.R.H.! Hardcore Jay and D.R.H. pound away on Torres in the corner and the referee still has his back turned. D.R.H. gets out of the ring and Jay whips Torres over to his corner AND CLETUS MAKES THE BLIND TAG AND JAY DOESN'T SEE IT!!!! Jay runs after Torres BUT TORRES lifts himself up and kicks Jay in the face. Look at this, Cletus climbs up to the second turnbuckle AND GIVES JAY A BODY PRESS!!!!! Here's the cover 1, 2, kick out by Hardcore Jay.
LN: The Pimp Ryders are looking very focused tonight! And so what if Hardcore Jay beats Torres later on tonight, he still won’t be the Tag Team Champion. Or if Torres can keep doing what he's doing in that ring, WHICH IS KICKING SOME ASS! Then Torres will be a double champion.
MI: Well right now Cletus Cameron is working on the back of Hardcore Jay dropping the elbows time and time again. Cletus picks Jay back up and sends him over to the ropes. Jay comes back as Cletus ducks AND HARDCORE JAY GIVES CLETUS A POWERBOMB!!!! CLETUS DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING!!!!
LN: Jay makes the tag to D.R.H. and now D.R.H. climbs the turnbuckle! Hardcore Jay picks Cletus back up and holds him AND D.R.H. GIVES CLETUS A DOUBLE AXE HANDLE RIGHT ON THE HEAD!!!!
MI: Here's the pin by D.R.H. 1... 2... and Torres comes in and breaks up the count.
LN: Good strategy there! Torres made sure they weren't going home tonight!
MI: Not just yet at least! D.R.H. now picks Cletus Cameron back up to his feet. He gives him a chop to the throat and sends him over to the ropes. D.R.H. ducks AND CLETUS KICKS D.R.H. RIGHT IN THE FACE! D.R.H. looks back up AND BELLY TO BELLY SUPLEX BY CAMERON!
LN: GOOD MOVE CLETUS!!!!
MI: Cletus now walks over and makes the tag to El Torres. Torres gets inside the ring and quickly goes after D.R.H. Torres twists the arm of D.R.H. and places his leg over his neck AND TORRES!!!! He hits a modified Fame-Asser on D.R.H. and goes for the pin 1, 2, Jay breaking up the count! And Jay wants to go right after Torres and he'll get his chance later on tonight in "Hardcore City" I can tell you that. Torres picking up D.R.H. now he sends him to the ropes. D.R.H.. comes back and gets kicked in the gut. El Torres now picks him up AND GIVES HIM A HIGH FLOAT OVER SUPLEX HERE'S THE COVER 1... 2... D.R.H. KICKS OUT OF IT!
LN: So close to having new Tag Team Champions there!
MI: That won’t be enough to stop Damage Inc. El Torres picks D.R.H. up and sends him to the ropes. D.R.H. leaps over Torres as he bends over AND JAY GETS IN THE BLIND TAG!!!! D.R.H. comes back and hits Torres right in the gut and here comes Jay. Jay puts his head between his legs and picks him up GOOD GOD A DOUBLE POWERBOMB!!!! That has to be it, Jay makes the cover 1, 2, and Cletus once again breaks up the count.
LN: Good job Cletus, good job.
MI: Jay now picks Torres back up and sends him outside the ring. Jay goes right after Torres now and picks up that camera cord AND HE WRAPS IT AROUND THE NECK OF TORRES!!!! HE'S NOT WAITING FOR THE "HARDCORE CITY STREET FIGHT!" HE WANTS TO BEAT HIM DOWN NOW!
LN: AND LOOK AT THIS!!!! D.R.H. and Cletus Cameron are fighting inside the ring. Cletus tosses D.R.H. over to the corner and here comes Cletus. Cletus attempts the flying body splash BUT D.R.H. MOVES!!!! D.R.H. sets Cletus on top of the turnbuckle AND GOOD GOD!!!! D.R.H. TAKES CLETUS DOWN WITH A CRUCIFIX POWERBOMB OFF OF THE TURNBUCKLE!!!!!
MI: He's not fooling around here tonight AND NEITHER IS HARDCORE JAY!!!! Hardcore Jay takes Torres by the head and bounces him off of our announcers table. D.R.H. now takes that cord off the neck of Torres and slides him inside the ring. Look at this now, D.R.H. tells Jay something and Jay goes up to the top rope. HEY LOOK AT THIS!!!! D.R.H. PICKS CLETUS UP AND HITS A BODY SLAM AND JAY SIGNALS TO THE FANS AND HE FLIES THROUGH THE AIR AND HITS CLETUS CAMERON WITH A BODY SPLASH!!!!
LN: Well for those of you who don't know, that was one of Hardcore Jay's old finishing moves back in the day!
MI: Actually I thought it was his brother Jay Man's!
LN: Well whatever!
MI: Well Cletus is not the legal man and that pays off for Torres as he clotheslines D.R.H. out of the ring AND HITS JAY WITH AN X-FACTOR!!!! Here's the quick cover 1, 2, KICK OUT!!!! Jay kicks out of the X-Factor and Damage Inc. is still in this one. Torres picks Jay up and tosses him over to the ropes. Jay comes back AND TORRES NAILS JAY WITH A HURACANRANA!!!! SHADES OF THE OLD SCOTT STEINER!!!!
LN: AND HERE'S THE COVER 1... 2... ANOTHER KICK OUT!!!!
MI: By god how did he do that.
LN: I DON'T KNOW!!!! HE SHOULD NOT HAVE KICKED OUT OF THAT ONE!!!!
MI: Well now look at this! Torres turns Jay over AND HE'S GOT JAY LOCKED IN A COMBINATION MEXICAN SURFBOARD AND A DRAGON SLEEPER!!!!! THIS HAS GOT TO HURT!!!!
LN: And you can see the referee asking if Jay wants to give it up right here but Jay's not buying it, COME ON JAY, TAP!!!!
MI: Just looking at this move makes me sick to my stomach! He's working the neck, the back, and the knees of Jay all together in one. Any longer than about five minutes would probably dismantle the man.
LN: HOLD IT FOR ABOUT TEN MINUTES TORRES!!!!! YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!
MI: Look at this! Jay is trying to reach for the ropes! He's reaching... He's almost, HE GOT IT!!!!! TORRES HAS TO LET GO OF THE HOLD!!!! Torres lets go but he's not finished yet. He kicks Jay in the back and makes the tag into Cletus Cameron. Cletus gets in the ring and now puts the boots to Jay. He picks Hardcore Jay back up and sends him over to the ropes. Jay comes back AND CLETUS HITS A FLAPJACK ON JAY!!!!
LN: HE BOUNCED OFF THE MAT LIKE HE WAS NOTHING BUT A TENNIS BALL!!!!
MI: That was probably the stupidest cliche I've ever heard.
LN: Well how's this one for you Mike, BLOW ME!!!!
MI: No thank you sir, I am a happily married man!
LN: NO YOU'RE NOT!!!!!
MI: Well I will some day be!
LN: NO YOU WONT!!!!
MI: BACK TO THE MATCH!!!! Cletus Cameron picks Jay back up and sends him to the ropes. Jay comes back AND CLETUS LOCKS IN THE SLEEPER HOLD!!!! HE'S GOT THAT MOVE LOCKED IN AND I THINK JAY IS ABOUT TO PASS OUT FROM ALL THE PAIN HE'S TAKEN IN THE PAST MINUTES!!!!
LN: GOOD!!!!
MI: The referee lifts Jay's arm up and it goes down for a count of one. He picks it back up and it goes back down for two. He picks it up, this could be it! It falls BUT JAY HOLDS ON!!!! THE FANS ARE CHEERING HIM ON!!!! HE TRIES TO TAKE THE HOLD OFF BUT CLETUS HOLDS ON!!!! HE TRIES AGAIN AND CLETUS HOLDS ON STILL!!!!! JAY TRIES AGAIN AND HE HOLDS ON, BUT JAY DROPS DOWN AND ENDS UP GIVING A JAWBREAKER TO CLETUS CAMERON!!!!
LN: DAMN IT!!!!
MI: Both Jay and Cletus are trying to make a tag and are struggling to get to their corner! Cletus ends up with the tag first AND JAY MAKES THE TAG TO D.R.H.!!!! D.R.H. gets inside the ring and takes Torres down with a shoulder tackle. He picks him back up and sends him to the ropes. Torres comes back AND D.R.H. GIVES HIM A TILT-A-WHIRL SLAM!!!!
LN: HERE COMES CLETUS!!!!!
MI: Cletus kicks D.R.H. in the back and grabs his hand. He pulls D.R.H. towards him HOOK-LINE-AND SINKER!!!!! CLETUS HITS THE HOOK-LINE-AND SINKER ON D.R.H.!!!!! The referee is taking Cletus out of the ring AND HE SEES THE COVER!!!! 1... 2.... NO!!!! JAY BREAKS UP THE COUNT!!!!! Jay picks El Torres up AND TAKES HIM DOWN WITH THE HARDCORE HANGOVER!!!!!! D.R.H. MAKES THE COVER 1.. 2.... NO!!!!! CLETUS BREAKS UP THE COUNT!!!!!
LN: GOOD JOB!!!!
MI: Hardcore Jay gets inside the ring and tries to knock out Cletus BUT HE DUCKS AND JAY ENDS UP HITTING THE REFEREE BY MISTAKE!!!!!
LN: DISQUALIFICATION!!!!!
MI: IT WAS ACCIDENTAL!!!! Look at this now Jay turns around HOOK-LINE-AND SINKER ON JAY!!!!! CLETUS HITS THE HOOK-LINE-AND SINKER ON JAY!!!!!
LN: YES!!!!!
MI: Jay is down and D.R.H. is starting to get back up. He picks Torres up and sends him to the ropes but El Torres reverses it and sends D.R.H. to the ropes. D.R.H. comes back AND PIMP-DROP!!!!! EL TORRES AND CLETUS HIT THE PIMP-DROP ON D.R.H.!!!! IT'S OVER!!!!! BUT THERE'S NO REFEREE!!!!! El Torres makes the cover but there is still no referee!
LN: WAIT!!!! HERE COMES ANOTHER REFEREE FROM THE BACK!!!!!
MI: HE SLIDES IN THE RING AND MAKES THE COVER 1!!!!! 2!!!!! 3 NO!!!!! D.R.H. GETS THE SHOULDER UP!!!!! SO CLOSE!!!!!
LN: AND THE PIMP RYDERS ARE LIVID!!!!!
MI: LOOK AT THIS!!!! El Torres picks D.R.H. back up and sends him back to the ropes! I think I smell another Pimp-Drop coming on BUT JAY KNOCKS CLETUS CAMERON IN THE FACE WITH A DROP-KICK AND D.R.H. KICKS TORRES IN THE FACE!!!!! TORRES TURNS TO JAY AND JAY PICKS HIM UP AND TURNS AROUND, TOTAL DESTRUCTION!!!!!! TOTAL DESTRUCTION!!!!! D.R.H. MAKES THE COVER 1!!!! 2!!!! 3!!!!! IT'S OVER!!!!! DAMAGE INC. RETAIN THE TAG TEAM TITLES!!!!!
"No More Tears" by Ozzy Ozbourne starts up again and the fans cheer as Thunderbird Al walks over and grabs the Tag Team titles from the ring announcer and slides in the ring. Jay and D.R.H. both get handed their belts and they raise them in the air as the fans cheer them on.
MI: Well the Pimp Ryders almost had it pulled off, but Damage Inc. ends up keeping their titles here tonight at "Gold Rush," fans stay tuned for more action, AND MORE BLOOD LOSS!!!!
A promo is shown of various NEW Superstars meeting and exchanging autographs with members of the NBA Champion Los Angeles Lakers...
MI: Los Angeles is truly an extraordinary city.
LN: Yeah, out of the ordinary, indeed... I hate it! I’m with Steve Grant on this one, I like San Francisco much better.
MI: Fans, our next match will feature Jade Diamond battling Ares, and...
"Loser" by Beck begins to play. The fans cheer.
MI: Oh good lord.
LN: These three men are HILARIOUS!
MI: The only time that any of the three of them have even WON a match is when Cam Furgeson dressed up like Loco!
LN: Oh yeah...that was funny.
Dead Rock, Hardcore Homie and Mucho Loco walk to the ring, and then roll inside. They get a mic.
DR: THE DEAD ROCK SAYS JUST BRING IT.
ML: Verde.
HIH: YO YO YO, Iz be-
All of a sudden, the arena lights black out.
MI: What the...
LN: What's going on, folks?
MI: Fans, we seem to have lost power here in the arena...
LN: No we haven't. Otherwise, how would we still be broadcasting?
MI: Shut up...
Suddenly, words begin to resound over the PA system
MI: What is going on here?
LN: Turn on the lights! I think it's Wicked Clown! He's going to rape and kill someone, I know it!
Suddenly, the top 10 hit "Woman, You Owe Me Money" by DJ Shane Bilger f. the Endgamers, Bubbasparxxx, Outkast and Natalie Imbruglia begins to play loudly...
LN: Who is this?
MI: I am truly lost...
The lights flare up. Standing in the ring...
MI: GOOD GOD!!!
LN: THAT'S TRAVIS MARTIN!!! TRAVIS MARTIN, THE MAN FORMERLY KNOWN AS JONAS TESTMENT!!! TRAVIS MARTIN, THE MAN FORMERLY KNOWN AS THE OWNER OF THE EGWA!!!!
MI: HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!!!!! HE DIED BACK IN SEPTEMBER OF 2000, IN THE EGWA!!!! HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD!!!!!!
LN: APPARENTLY, HE'S ALIVE AND WELL...AND IN THE NEW!!!!
MI: He taps Loco on the shoulder...Loco turns around...DESTINY'S FLAW!!! MARTIN DELIVERS THE DESTINY'S FLAW ONTO LOCO!!!!
LN: Now, Martin is motioning to the back...
MI: What's going on here!?
A man runs out from between the curtains.
LN: LOU DEPAUL WREENKLE!!!
MI: The man who's started working NEW house shows, Lou Depaul Wreenkle, has shown up on NEW pay-per-view, and he's in the ring with Travis Martin!!
LN: You're just as confused as we are, folks!
MI: Now, Homie is backed into the corner! Martin grabs Lou, and sends him towards him with an Irish Whip....STINGER SPLASH!!! SPALSH BY DEPAUL WREENKLE INTO THE CORNER!! Now, Martin is turning towards Dead Rock, who seems to be begging off!!
LN: Martin moves towards him slowly...WAIT! OH!!
MI: Rock with a boot to the nuts! Martin goes down!! MARTIN GOES DOWN!!!
LN: Now, Dead Rock is motioning for Dead People's Elbow!! He runs into the ropes...
MI: ...he hops over Martin...
LN: ...and onto the other ropes...
MI: NO!! LOU DEPAUL WREENKLE stops the dead people's elbow with a superkick!! Superkick by Depaul Wreenkle!
LN: Now, Martin is slowly getting to his feet! He's motioning towards Depaul Wreenkle, who just nods!
MI: Martin goes to Dead Rock, and then lifts him onto his shoulders! Meanwhile... DEPAUL WREENKLE IS CLIMBING TO THE TOP ROPE!!!
LN: Martin has Dead Rock up on his shoulders... Depaul smiles... poses ...turns around... and then...
MI: OHHHHHHHH!!!
LN: DEPAUL WREENKLE LEAPS OFF THE TOP ROPE WITH A MOONSAULT!!! MOONSAULT FROM THE TOP ROPE ONTO DEAD ROCK WHO WAS PERCHED ON THE SHOULDERS OF TRAVIS MARTIN!!!!!!!!!!!
MI: Martin drapes an arm over the limp body of Rock..... 1............ 2............ THREEEEEEEE!!!
LN: I'm not sure this was even an official match, but we've got a winner!!!!
"Woman You Owe Me Money" starts up again, as Martin slowly gets to his feet. Depaul Wreenkle soon follows, and then Martin calls for a mic.
Travis Martin: HELLO NEW!!!
The fans give off a mixed reaction. Most of them simply know him from his Jonas Testament persona.
TM: Man, it sure is great to be back here in the greatest wrestling promotion known to man...ever! ...next to the EGWA, of course.
The west coast crowd never really got to see the EGWA live, but the ones who did give a modest pop.
TM: Well, I guess you're wondering what I'm doing back here, eh? I mean, I died, didn't it? Well, so far, I've fallen out of an airplane, been shot in the head with a shotgun, AND been hit by a truck. I think I'm immortal or something. Nah, the truth is, I faked it, just like Ricky Conway, Heartbreak Meyers and Justin Sane (the greatest wrestler EVER!!!!!! WHEEEE) However, I'm not Jonas Testament now, no matter how much most of you would like me to be. I am the man known as Travis Martin... ...and what you are looking at is the beginning of "TEAM BOB."
With that, Martin and Depaul Wreenkle slap hands, and then "Woman You Owe Me Money" starts up again. Travis and Lou leave the crowd awestruck.
MI: Team BOB? What in God’s name...?
LN: Your guess is as good as mine, Mike!
MI: Well... now it’s apparently time for the Ares/Jade Diamond match.
The house lights slowly dim out, and, after several seconds of total darkness, you hear the sounds of "Windowlicker" by Aphex Twin begin to play. On the NEW-TRON...
...the temple of intensity...
...the draw of the new...
...and the man that just f*cked your wife...
...and then a single red spotlight beams in one the rampway, revealing Jade Diamond, standing with his head lowered. Beside him is Bernard the Ninja, holding the "ultimate athlete" title over his shoulder. Jade slowly turns around, and then stares out over the NEW fans, who boo him madly.
LN: The fans haven't taken too well to Jade's recent Interstate antics...
MI: Well, can you blame them? He's trying to destroy the promotion they love very much.
LN: I didn't know the IS was trying to destroy the FWF?
MI: ....
LN: Kidding, kidding...
Jade stares at the fans who boo him, and then smiles, shrugs, and finishes his walk out to the ring. The sounds of Aphex Twin slowly die out, and Jade procures a microphone from Peepee Anderson.
JD: Hi.
The fans rain down hatred
JD: It sure is hard work, coming out here each and every week and putting on the best show of any person on the roster, and STILL getting booed for it.
They boo even louder.
JD: It's a thankless job, to be sure, but I do it. You know why? For you- (motions to the fans) -for all of you. I do it for the feeling I get when I'm perched on the top rope, knowing that everything rests on this last move. If I hit it, I bring pride and gold home with me. If I miss, I have merely your adoration and love to keep my company. ...well, that, and the fact that I get to bone Sport Jones' wife Laureen when he's not home. ZING!
The fans boo even louder.
JD: But, I jest, I jest. On a side not, things are about to change for Jade Diamond around here. For, you see, tonight begins the "LAST LEG" of my NEW journey... and what a long, strange journey it has truly been. But, enough of that! We'll get to that later. In all honesty, you don't need to worry about that until Starrcade. Now, Ares, get your franchising ass out here, and let's do it...ONE MORE TIME!!!
(Insert Ares vs. Jade Diamond HERE!)
MI: Jade Diamond is the winner! And he’s clearly despised by the NEW crowd.
LN: They should be thanking him! He’s The Draw! He’s the reason the fans are all here tonight, whether they know it or not!
MI: Anyway. Fans, earlier today, Steve Grant took time out of his busy schedule to read to elementary school children, and we have some footage of that we’re going to show you.
Cue a cheesy segment in which Steve reads “The Cat in the Hat” to a few kindergartners, while doing interview segments in between each reading shot. In the interview segments, he talks about stuff like “giving back to the community” and “helping build a strong educational foundation for our children”.
MI: That was Steve Grant earlier today, Larry.
Larry gets a close-up, as he holds his hand over his mouth to stop from laughing.
MI: Larry?
LN: *clears throat* Ahem... no comment.
MI: You think it’s stupid, don’t you. You think that any NEW Superstar who’d ever think about giving back to the community is a moron.
LN: *sarcastically* Nonsense, that’s outrageous, Steve Grant is a fine, upstanding young man and the greatest president NEW’s had since... the last one, Rick Machine.
MI: You really are a moron, you know that?
LN: Thank you.
The camera fades back once again to IST 999.2k1's locker room. Trey, Damien, and Jade are sitting on the couch watching the PPV, and suddenly, there is a knock on the door.
Jade: *whispering* It's probably those "Scammage, Ltd." punks again!
Jade quietly motions for Trey to grab a chair and wait by the door while he opens it. Jade slowly opens the door as Trey raises the chair, ready to strike anyone who might come through. No one is there, but there is a small package on the ground. Jade takes it and closes and locks the door behind him.
Damien: Be careful! There might be another midget or something in it!
The men of IST 999.2k1 open up the package and find that there is a chocolate cake and a small note inside. Trey reads the note aloud...
Trey: “Dear Trey, Damien, and Jade: We're sorry for our childish pranks against you and realize how immature we've been behaving. We hope you'll accept this cake as a token of our regret and wish you will forgive us. Also, we wish you all, especially Damien, good luck tonight in your matches. Yours Truly, Damage Inc.”
Jade: Okay...there has to be something wrong with it! Is it made of monkey feces? Is it full of piss?
Damien: Smells okay...looks okay...*sticks his finger in, smells it, and tastes it* and it tastes like a normal chocolate cake!
Trey: Maybe they really have matured!
Jade: Finally, those bunch of garbage-wrestling imbeciles have learned some gentlemanly class!
As the members of IST 999.2k1 start eating the cake, the camera pans out to the hallway outside of their locker room. In the hall, you can see Hardcore Jay and D.R.H listening against the door for what is going on. For some reason, they are wearing surgical gloves and breathers.
Hardcore Jay: Hehe! They're digging in, sounds like! What did you do to? Fill it full of spider eggs or cat shit or something? And why are we wearing all this protective gear?
D.R.H: Because, my fellow Tag Team Champion, I added a little something extra to the recipe!
Hardcore Jay: What?
D.R.H holds up a biohazard bag full of a suspicious-looking white powder.
Hardcore Jay: Cocaine?
D.R.H: No...no...much, much worse.
As the Interstate members continue to dig into the cake, Jade suddenly pulls something out of his mouth. It’s a little plastic bag, similar to the one that D. R. H. is carrying.
Jade: What’s this?
Jade Diamond tears the package open carefully, and suddenly a burst of white powder explodes in all of their faces. The package falls open, and inside is a note that says, "Smile, you are dead... you have just been exposed to pulmonary ANTHRAX. Have A Nice Day - Damage Inc."!!!
Jade: HOLY SHIT!!! THESE GUYS ARE CRAZY!!!
Damien: DAMMIT!!! We have to get to a hospital and get some antibiotics or something! Oh my God!
The members of Interstate 999.2k1 run out of their locker room in terror. After a few seconds, D.R.H and Hardcore Jay peek their heads in the door and walk over to the package on the table.
Hardcore Jay: Hehe! Brilliant plan!
D.R.H reaches a finger into the supposed anthrax powder and tastes it.
D.R.H: Mmmm...and sweet too!
The scene fades back to the announcers' table.
LN: Hahaha! They made them think that powder sugar was anthrax!
MI: Damage Incorporated is once again taking out their frustration on Interstate 999.2k1. Holy shit, those guys are crazy.
Hardcore Jay leaves the Interstate locker room and heads out in the street when El Torres runs up behind him and nails him in the back of the head.
MI: Look! El Torres is attacking Hardcore Jay! Looks like their match is underway...
LN: Yeah, Hardcore Title on the line! These two have already met tonight. El Torres will be hoping for a better result this time round!
MI: Yeah, and the smaller of these two guys, El Torres has started with the upper hand. He has Jay doubled over while he hammers on his back with hard, closed-fist strikes.
LN: That’s got to hurt... WAIT... Hardcore Jay has blocked one and is up-right again! Jay going toe-to-toe with El Torres and then ramming his head into that walk/don’t walk sign!
MI: And now he's locked El Torres in a front-face-lock... he's not going to attempt a suplex on the concrete?!?
LN: I believe he is Mike... and El Torres is up... but look he's slipped out of it and landed on his feet behind Hardcore Jay! And now pushes Jay head-first into that walk/don’t walk sign!
MI: El Torres of the Pimp Ryders is looking pretty vicious here... I don't think I've seen him like this before... look, now he's guiding him over to the other side of the street... the traffic is having to break hard in order to not hit them both!
LN: Hahahaha, El Torres sticking Jay's head in a dumpster!
MI: Well it's not too pleasant, but I'm not sure just how effective that is in terms of wearing the big guy down! ...And look, El Torres has taken his eye off the game for one second and he's been leveled by a big clothesline! Jay looks pissed!
LN: He sure does, and that's one thing you don't want to do, get that man pissed! And what's he doing here?... he's lifting Torres up to his feet, and now up above his head.. wow, what power!!
MI: Hardcore Jay gorilla press slams Torres on to a parked Volvo. Then grabs Torres by his pants and slides him off the hood of the car and back on to the sidewalk!
LN: Torres' head bounced off the concrete there! And now he's guiding him in to that store? What is that? A book shop? What's a book shop doing open at this time of night?... Ah what the hell, I give up, nothing surprises me any more!
LN: Jay sending The Mexican Sensation over the counter... everything on the counter as gone flying!
MI: What a mess! God knows who's going to clean all this up? Jay is hunting around for a weapon... oh look at that! The store clerk told them both to get out and Jay just pushed him on his ass!
LN: Hahahaha! Go Jay! Hahaha!
MI: Come on man, that guy must have been 90 years old!
LN: Should have kept out of the way! Old fool... El Torres is back up, and he just nailed Jay from behind with.. what's that? The complete works of Shakespeare?!? "To bleed or not to bleed... that is the question!" Hahaha! El Torres with a falling neck breaker on the stunned Hardcore Jay.
MI: Torres covers... 1...2...Kick out by Jay just before the ref's hand slaps the cold hard floor for the three... El Torres in control... he tags The hardcore champion with a couple of hard right hands and then guides him back out on to the street...
LN: Looks like El Torres is setting up for a bulldog... He's running... but NO! Jay lifts Torres up and back drops him on to a garbage can... Jay is slumped against a car while Torres is laid out clutching his back... slowly El Torres gets up but Jay remains still...
MI: Jay's still catching his breath... El Torres is running towards him... NO! Hardcore Jay moved an El Torres head goes through the side window of the car... Jay pulls him out and covers him... 1..2..3! Goodnight!
LN: The Mexican Sensation stood no chance there! Hardcore Jay retains the Hardcore Title...
MI: And with that, we go right to an interview with the North American Champion, Casanova.
The scene cuts to the back once more. Casanova stands ready for battle, in his black wrestling trunks, Black boots and red knee and elbow pads. His Title is slumped over his shoulder, hair tied back and body covered in more baby oil than Hulk Hogan and The Rock combined. A pointy nosed reporter stands next to him wearing his "Death Times Three" memorabilia shirt and a Trey Reed cap. The reporter is speaks quickly and excitedly as he echoes the tension felt throughout the arena...
David Fox: I’m here with one half of the Canadian Couple and NEW North American Champion, Casanova. Its just minutes before you meet Lestat and Big Money in Death Times Three. How do you feel at this exact moment?
Casanova: Well, I’m a little nervous obviously. Not nervous about my opponents, not worried about losing my North American Title... no, I’m just a little nervous about not putting on a good enough show for the crowd out there! This match has been billed as a huge clash here. The fans have been promised blood, have been promised violence and have been promised a champion to end all champions! I can bring those things, but it’s a lot to live up to! Over the years my following have come to expect the best from me, and I have always delivered! Now I have to go one better! Now I have to reassure my fans that I AM the man they think I am! Now it's time for me to step out in front of all my supporters and in front of those who jeer me too, and prove myself yet again!
DF: How do you mean "prove yourself"?
Casanova: It's simple, I have to go out and prove myself a worthy champion! I need to earn the right to wear this gold, I have to earn the respect of both my fans and my peers in the back! You see, Jade Diamond is a prime example here... he WAS a great fighter, he did many great things and accomplished so much. Then he left NEW only to return, but when he did, he didn't come back and prove himself again. He just came back and has slopped around, not doing anything special... and now he wants respect! Well Jade, if you want my respect, you call me out and earn it like a man... Lestat, one of my opponents tonight, I may despise him, but he has my respect! Any man who can go toe-to-toe with me like that deserves a hell of a lot of it! But not you Jade.
DF: Strong words 'Nova. Any final comments for your opponents tonight?
Casanova: You bet! I just said I respect you Lestat, and that much is true, but when I step through that curtain tonight don't be expecting me to show you an awful lot of that respect! I'm here tonight to achieve something and prove yet another point. I'm not going to let you stop me from putting an exclamation mark on everything I have said this week! Same goes for you Big Money... I respect your perseverance, but it's all in vain! Tonight's out come is pre-determined. I have this match won... the only thing in question is the style in which I do it! ...I hinted a few days ago that I was going to fly from the cage and hit my Novabomb on one of the unfortunate souls I must face. Rest assured, that idea will come to be reality! And if it all doesn't pan out like I had hoped? If when the most impressive move in wrestling today fails me... if I were to miss or my opponent move and The Novabomb meets nothing but canvas. Then so be it! My fans are entertained. perhaps disappointed, but shocked and surprised at the spectacle before them... and be forewarned.. in that event, The Novabomb will bounce back to claim what is rightfully his!
Casanova exits...
DF: Mike, Larry, back to you!
LN: It looks like Casanova is ready for his match, and he’ll have to be, because it’s NEXT!
MI: Well fans, about a month ago the NEW saw for the very first time, the Death Times Three match. And let me tell you, it is without a doubt one of the most deadliest matches I have ever seen in my time!
LN: Me too. Three cages, three ladders, gallons of blood ready to drip! IT'S GOING TO BE BRUTAL!
MI: Let's get down to the ring!
RA: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is the Death Times Three match, and it is for the NEW North American Heavyweight Title!
"The Sickness" by Disturbed starts up and the fans in the arena boo as Lestat comes walking out from the back with the Dark Angels following behind.
RA: Introducing first, from Detroit, Michigan, weighing 255 pounds, “The Vampyre” Lestat!
Lestat makes his way down the aisle and then climbs into the first cage looking up to the very top of the cage where the North American title is.
"Hell Yeah" by Snoop Dog and W.C. starts up and the fans start to cheer as Big Money walks out from the back. He gets inside the ring and just watches Lestat.
RA: Weighing 316 pounds, from Sitka, Alaska, BIG MONEY!
MI: Well Big Money was just a recent addition to the Death Times Three and he is hoping to come out with the North American title in his possession.
"In And Out Of Love" by Bon Jovi starts up and Casanova walks out from the back with the fans cheering him on.
RA: Their opponent is the New Era Wrestling North American Heavyweight Champion, CASANOVA!
He quickly sprints to the ring and quickly goes under the apron and pulls out three ladders and tosses them in the ring and then slides in and gets jumped by Big Money.
MI: AND HERE WE GO! Big Money quickly starts to pound away at Casanova. He picks him up and SHOVES HIS FACE right into the cage. Here comes Lestat AND LESTAT HITS A FLYING CLOTHESLINE on Big Money. Lestat picks Money up and tosses him over to the ropes. Big Money comes back AND LESTAT DROP TOE HOLDS MONEY INTO THE LADDER!
LN: That could be a concussion.
MI: Lestat gets up right at the same time Casanova does and starts to throw some punches but Casanova ducks one AND DROPS LESTAT DOWN INTO A DDT!
LN: Casanova is one quick little bastard.
MI: Look at this, Casanova has the upper hand, he picks up the ladder and sets it up to where the top of the cage enters the second cage. Casanova starts to climb up the ladder but Big Money and Lestat start to get up. Casanova is almost to the top of the ladder BUT BIG MONEY KNOCKS IT OVER AND CASANOVA GOES NECK FIRST ON THE TOP OF THE ROPES!
LN: He bounced off the top of those ropes with a lot of force. I think he got sent about eight feet.
MI: Well Big Money does some damage to Casanova but Lestat comes back and body slams Money to the mat. Lestat now picks up that second ladder and sets it up. Lestat picks up that other ladder and sets it up on the turnbuckle. Lestat picks Casanova up AND SENDS HIM RIGHT INTO THAT LADDER IN THE TURNBUCKLE! Hey look at this! Lestat starts to climb up that other ladder and Big Money is getting up to his feet. Casanova walks over to where Big Money is AND HEY LOOK AT LESTAT! LESTAT FLEW OFF THE LADDER AND NAILS BIG MONEY AND CASANOVA WITH A TWISTING SENTON!
LN: What a move that was.
MI: And the crowd enjoyed that one. Look at Lestat now. He's starting to climb up that ladder now and is starting HE GOT IT! HE'S IN THE SECOND CAGE! Lestat is already up to the second cage, and he is just one more cage away from becoming the North American Champion!
LN: BUT HERE COMES CASANOVA!
MI: Casanova got up to his feet and started to climb that cage. And Lestat knows that he's coming for him.
LN: Big Money even though he's not doing anything is doing a good job of making sure the exit is secured.
MI: That's right, you have to take the title from the top, and climb back down and go through that door and onto the floor to become the champion.
LN: And Casanova is almost up to the top of the second cage now and the entrance is open HEY LOOK AT LESTAT! WHAT THE HELL OH MY GOD!
MI: LESTAT JUMPED THROUGH THAT DOOR AND HIT A DDT ON CASANOVA OFF OF THE LADDER! AND THEY HAVE TO START ALL OVER AGAIN!
LN: Lestat sacrificing his own life for that one put Casanova out.
MI: And Big Money now, he's the fresher man he starts to stack up that ladder again as it was knocked over in the process of that big DDT from Lestat. Big Money sets it up but he walks back over to Casanova and picks him up MONEY MAKER!!!! BIG MONEY HIT THE MONEY MAKER ON CASANOVA!!!!
LN: That was probably a good idea for Money.
MI: Money is starting to climb up that ladder now. On the bottom now Lestat is starting to move! Lestat is up AND HE'S STARTING TO CLIMB UP THE LADDER! Big Money is almost to the entrance to the second cage AND LESTAT STARTS TO CLIMB UP FASTER! BOTH MEN ARE AT THE TOP OF THE LADDER NOW AND ARE BOTH TRYING TO GET INTO THE SECOND CAGE!!!!
LN: Hey look at Casanova on the bottom.
MI: Casanova with all his strength is trying to get back to his feet. No wait a minute, Casanova is climbing up the other ladder. Casanova is up to the top of the ladder AND GOOD GOD!!!!! CASANOVA HITS A MISSILE DROPKICK OFF THE LADDER INTO THE OTHER LADDER AND THAT MAKES THE LADDER TIP AND SENDS BIG MONEY AND LESTAT FACE AND BODY FIRST INTO THE CAGE!!!!
LN: AND BOTH OF THEM HAVE FALLEN TO THE MAT!!!!
MI: Good god I think they're both dead after that one.
LN: But Casanova took the chance and now he's hurt once again in the process.
MI: But you have to love their efforts Larry.
LN: EFFORTS!!!! I WOULDN'T CALL THAT AN EFFORT!!!! I'D CALL THAT A SUICIDE!!!!!
MI: Well call it what you will, I call it sports entertainment. Look at this now, Big Money is starting to move along with Casanova. Big Money gets up and turns to Nova WHO PUTS HIM DOWN WITH A WHAM-BAM-THANK YOU MA’AM!
LN: Shades of Danny Doring, THE DASTARDLY ONE!
MI: And Casanova now picks up that ladder and sets it up and starts to climb it yet again. Hey here comes Lestat. Lestat is climbing up after Casanova and Casanova is already up to the second cage. Lestat makes it all the way up the ladder AND CASANOVA TRIES TO KICK LESTAT OFF BUT LESTAT NAILS HIM WITH A LOW BLOW!
LN: AND NOW LESTAT IS UP TO THE SECOND CAGE WITH CASANOVA!!!!
MI: Lestat picks Casanova up, kicks him in the gut, PILEDRIVER ON THE CAGE!!!!
LN: Oh man if that thing would've just broke!
MI: Well Lestat now gets back up and he leans over the edge of the opening to the second cage AND HE'S PULLING UP THE LADDER!!!! BY GOD WHAT COULD HAPPEN NEXT!!!!
LN: Well Lestat has just set the ladder up AND HE'S STARTING TO CLIMB THE LADDER TO GO UP TO THE THIRD CAGE!!!!
MI: BUT CASANOVA IS BACK UP AND HE STARTS TO CLIMB THE LADDER TOO! LESTAT IS ALMOST UP TO THE TOP BUT CASANOVA IS INCHES AWAY!
LN: LOOK AT THIS MIKE!!!! CASANOVA AND LESTAT ARE BOTH PUNCHING AWAY AT EACH OTHER!
MI: Lestat tries to throw a right hand BUT CASANOVA BLOCKS IT AND GOOD GOD!!!! HE JUST BULLDOGGED HIM OFF THE LADDER TO THE CAGE FLOOR BELOW!!!!
LN: I THINK THAT ONE HAD TO HURT!!!!!
Fans: HO-LY SH*T! HO-LY SH*T! HO-LY SH*T!
MI: And Big Money now not even going up to the action he's just waiting at the doorâ?¦
LN: Which is a good thing because I think that these two could beat the living hell out of each other and get up and ask for more! While Big Money, he's just a fat tub of lard that nobody really cares about!
MI: I happen to think that man is a good athlete. Wait a minute! Casanova and Lestat are starting to move to their feet! Casanova and Lestat are up now AND CASANOVA TOSSES LESTAT RIGHT INTO THE CAGE!!!!
LN: And Lestat is busted open.
MI: Casanova picks Lestat back up and gives him a snap suplex. Casanova gets up and starts to climb up that ladder and is going into the third cage AND HE'S THERE! CASANOVA HAS JUST GOT TO CLIMB TO THE TOP OF THE THIRD CAGE AND TAKE THAT BELT!
LN: Then take it back down with him out the door.
MI: Wait here comes Lestat. Lestat starts to climb up the ladder while Casanova starts to climb up the cage. Lestat finally is up now and he runs after Casanova AND PULLS HIM OFF THE CAGE HARD ON THE CAGED FLOOR!!!! Lestat picks Casanova up but Casanova punches him in the gut AND TRIES A KICK TO THE FACE BUT LESTAT BLOCKS IT AND THERE'S THE RED MIST TO THE FACE AND LESTAT HITS THE OFFERING ON CASANOVA!!!!! LESTAT KNOCKED HIM OUT COLD!!!!!
LN: AND HE'S STARTING TO CLIMB THE CAGE!!!!! HE'S ALMOST TO THE TOP!!!!
MI: HE'S THERE!!!! Lestat is the first to reach the top of the cage AND HE'S GOT THE NORTH AMERICAN TITLE!!!!
LN: Lestat only needs to bring it back down with him, knock Big Money's fat ass out of the way and walk out that door.
MI: Hey look at this! Lestat is taking the time to strap that title around his waist and now he's posing for the fans but half of this arena is just booing the hell out of him.
LN: But putting the title around his waist was a good idea, because now wherever Lestat goes, the belt will go.
MI: Well now look at this, Lestat is at the edge at the top of the third cage and is looking down at Casanova LOOK AT THIS LESTAT JUMPS OFF WITH A GUILLOTINE LEG DROP BUT CASANOVA MOVES OUT OF THE WAY AND LESTAT HITS HARD!!!!!
LN: DAMN!!!! SO CLOSE!!!!
MI: Casanova is back up to his feet and Lestat gets up as well SUPERKICK BY CASANOVA!!!! Casanova now picks up that ladder and starts TO POUND THE HELL OUT OF LESTAT WITH IT!!!!
LN: Casanova now takes the ladder and puts it back down to the first cage and easily sets it up. Casanova now takes the belt off of Lestat and puts it around his shoulder. AND CASANOVA HAS JUST LEFT LESTAT ON THE SECOND CAGE AND HE'S BACK DOWN INTO THE RING!!!! ALL HE HAS TO DO IS PUSH MONEY OUT OF THE WAY AND WALK OUT THE DOOR!!!!
MI: Well Casanova is walking over to Big Money AND BIG MONEY TAKES CASANOVA DOWN WITH A CLOTHESLINE FROM HELL!!!!! GOOD GOD HE ALMOST TOOK HIS HEAD OFF!!!!!
LN: And Big Money is trying to take that belt and he finally has it but Casanova is starting to move! Big Money is walking over to that door BUT CASANOVA GETS UP AND DROP KICKS BIG MONEY IN THE BACK AND SENDS HIM RIGHT INTO THE CAGE HEAD FIRST!!!!!
MI: That rocked Big Money and look at Casanova! He picks up the title again and is trying to walk out through the door BUT BIG MONEY STOPS HIM!!!! Big Money turns him around and kicks him in the stomach, PAYOFF NO!!!! Casanova tosses Money away from him and Big Money runs to the ropes. Big Money comes back and Casanova kicks him in the gut AND CASANOVA HITS THE PAYOFF ON BIG MONEY!!!!! BIG MONEY'S OWN MOVE!!!!!
LN: Hey look! Lestat is starting to move!
MI: Well Casanova has Big Money now and he picks him up! Casanova is about to go for one of his signature moves he calls the "Heartbreaker" BUT BIG MONEY KICKS OUT OF IT AND GOOD GOD!!!! BIG MONEY HITS THE PAYOFF ON CASANOVA!!!!! THE FANS ARE GOING WILD!!!!!
LN: Big Money picks Casanova back up AND TOSSES HIM FACE FIRST INTO THE OTHER LADDER!!!!
MI: Hey! Do you see what I see?
LN: Lestat has just told the Death Angels to do something. Hey look at this! One of them is distracting the referee WHILE THE OTHER TWO HAVE JUST PULLED OUT ANOTHER LADDER FROM UNDER THE APRON!!!!
MI: They set it up and Lestat starts to climb down from the second cage to the floor BUT HE'S NOT THE WINNER UNLESS HE HAS THE TITLE!!!!
LN: Look at this! Big Money has that title and is walking to the door! Big Money is at the door and it opens up BUT LESTAT KICKS THE DOOR RIGHT INTO THE HEAD OF BIG MONEY!!!!!
MI: And Lestat climbs back inside the ring and sets up that third ladder. Lestat starts to climb it up. He reaches to the top GOOD GOD!!!!! LESTAT HITS A SHOOTING STAR PRESS OFF THE LADDER ONTO BIG MONEY BUT BIG MONEY PUT THE KNEES UP AND LESTAT HIT HARD!!!!!
LN: His ribs will never be the same again.
MI: Look at this! Casanova is starting to get back up to his feet and sees Big Money! He runs at Big Money BUT BIG MONEY BACK BODY DROPS CASANOVA RIGHT INTO THE CAGE!!!!! I THINK THE RING MOVED ABOUT THREE FEET!!!!!
LN: Big Money now picks Lestat back to his feet and tosses him into the ladder that's on the turnbuckle. BIG MONEY NOW RUNS AND HITS A BODY SPLASH ON LESTAT!!!! Lestat comes towards Big Money AND BIG MONEY HITS THE PAYOFF ON LESTAT!!!!
MI: I think Big Money is going to win this thing! Look at this he's got that title again and start to go for the door! Casanova is getting up to his feet AND HE SPINS BIG MONEY AROUND AND STARTS TO HIT HIM WITH LEFTS AND RIGHTS!!!!!
LN: Big Money dropped the title AND NOW CASANOVA HITS A JAWBREAKER ON BIG MONEY!!!!
MI: Casanova picks up the title and puts it around his shoulder AND HERE COMES LESTAT!!!!
LN: Lestat tries a clothesline but Casanova ducks. Lestat turns around AND CASANOVA HITS LESTAT IN THE HEAD WITH THE TITLE!!!!!
MI: Lestat is out cold HEY LOOK AT THIS!!!! CASANOVA TURNS AROUND AND BIG MONEY SPEARS CASANOVA AND OH MY GOD!!!! BIG MONEY SPEARED CASANOVA AND THE FORCE WAS SO POWERFUL THAT IT BROKE THE CAGE DOOR AND BOTH MEN GO TO THE OUTSIDE!!!!!
LN: LOOK!!!! CASANOVA STILL HAS THE TITLE!!!!!
MI: THERE'S THE BELL!!!! CASANOVA RETAINS THE TITLE!!!!!
"In And Out Of Love" by Bon Jovi starts to play and the fans cheer as Casanova starts to slowly walk up the ramp holding his title in the air.
MI: What a match that was Larry!
LN: And what an upset at that! I thought Big Money was going to really win this thing, but he didn't get the job done!
MI: Please you wanted him to lose! MORE ACTION TO COME FOLKS, STAY TUNED!!!!
A quick commercial for the new brand of NEW action figures, and for NEW Monday Night Massacre, the video game now available for the PlayStation 2, GameCube and XBox systems! Over fifty past and present NEW Superstars battle it out in over 30 different match styles! Steve Grant, Ares, Jade Diamond, Damien Simons, Trent Raven, GRENDEL, Stunnin Steve, Destructo, “Bad Ass” Brian Marcotte, Chaos, they’re all there!
Cue an extended promo for the PlayStation 2 version of NEW Monday Night Massacre, in which Ares and En Fuego play the game and talk about it...
MI: A reminder fans, NEW Gold Rush is brought to you by Bitchin’ Dog Food. Is the same old dog food getting your dog down? Make that bitch shut up with the wonderful new flavors from Bitchin’ Dog Food.
LN: And by the all-new 2002 Maibatsu Monstrosity, with room for twelve and the ability to move across arctic tundra. Maibatsu Monstrosity: Mine’s bigger.
Steve Grant is shown taping his wrists, getting ready for his IC title defense, when the camera is knocked over and a masked man is brutally attacking Grant. Ares and En Fuego chase off the masked man, and the camera man gets back to his feet.
A: Fuego, go get the doctor, his shoulder is messed up.
SG: No, I'm good, just need to pop it back in.
A: You're in no condition for your match.
SG: I told you I'm fine, I got a match.
Back to Larry and Mike.
MI: I'll give NEW President Steve Grant credit, he's about to face Trey Reed after that brutal attack.
LN: I don't know who it was, but I like their style.
MI: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time now for the first match of our triple main event. This has been brewing for a long, long time, fans, and now it’s going to erupt. “The Soul Survivor” Adam Holiday will battle “The Man Called” GRENDEL in a King of the Cage match. Surrounding the ring is an old-style cage, like that seen in the 1980s in the WWF. Surrounding that cage is the Hell in a Cell. Holiday and GRENDEL must battle out of the cage and up to the top of the cell, where a ladder will be set up. They then must climb the ladder to retrieve the Soul Survivor Title belt. The first man who gains possession of the belt wins.
LN: This is going to be an intense contest, Mike. There’s a very real danger of one or both of these men being killed.
“More Human Than Human” by Rob Zombie plays as GRENDEL comes out, receiving massive heel heat from the capacity crowd.
RA: Ladies and gentlemen, our next contest is a King of the Cage match, and it is for the NEW Soul Survivor Championship! Introducing first from Little Rock, Arkansas, weighing in at 300 pounds, “The Man Called” GRENDEL!
GRENDEL looks about ready to kill someone as he enters the two cages.
MI: GRENDEL is frightening tonight, Larry.
LN: You’ve got that right. He scares the hell out of me, Mike. And I...
MI: ...am not a fearless man.
LN: ...Bastard.
“Click, Click, BOOM!” by Saliva plays as the fans get whipped into a frenzy, giving an incredible pop for Adam Holiday as he walks down to the ring with his wife, Rachel.
RA: His opponent is the NEW Soul Survivor Champion, Adam Holiday!
MI: Adam Holiday is about to face the biggest challenge of his life, Larry. This King of the Cage match is so dangerous...
LN: Very much so, Mike. If someone were to fall from the top of that cage, that’s nearly thirty feet!
MI: And the cage match itself is brutal enough, with people’s heads bouncing off the steel bars on so many occasions. Well, there’s the bell, and the match is underway! GRENDEL and Holiday are circling one another, both very cautious.
LN: They’d never admit it, but there’s a mutual respect there, hence the mutual stalling.
MI: Collar-and-elbow tie-up by Holiday and GRENDEL. GRENDEL’s using his four-inch height advantage to gain some leverage, backing Holiday against the ropes. We should take this time to mention, fans, that there is no referee in the ring. There’s one standing watch outside the ring, and another one on top of the Hell in a Cell, who’s in charge of determining who first has possession of the title belt.
LN: A big chop by GRENDEL on Holiday! Now another! Irish Whip into the ropes... reversed by Holiday... BIG SPINEBUSTER BY HOLIDAY!
MI: What a great move by The Soul Survivor! Holiday’s looking to add to his advantage as quickly as he can; he lifts GRENDEL up and whips him hard into the turnbuckle! Holiday backs up against the opposite turnbuckle... STINGER SPLASH! Now Holiday whips GRENDEL into another corner... STINGER SPLASH MISSES! GRENDEL ducked out of the way, and Holiday tripped over his body and crashed into the steel bars of the cage!
LN: GRENDEL drags Holiday up... GRENDELBOMB! GRENDELBOMB!
MI: The fans are booing GRENDEL wildly after that move! And now the former Hardcore Champion is climbing the steel bars of the cage!
LN: Is he headed up to the belt? He’s already about fifteen feet up!
MI: GRENDEL’s getting a sick look on his face... NO! NO! NO!
LN: YES, YES, YES! GUILLOTINE LEGDROP FROM FIFTEEN FEET UP BY GRENDEL! HOLY SHIT!
MI: GRENDEL just did his best Nick Wolf impersonation on that move, and his leg landed right on the ribs of his former partner!
LN: My God. GRENDEL looks like he hurt himself on that move as well! He may have suffered a cracked tailbone from that!
MI: Just imagine what it must have done to the ribs of Adam Holiday! And as far as GRENDEL’s concerned, that sacrifice is good enough! As long as it hurts Holiday, he doesn’t care if GRENDEL himself is injured by it.
LN: I think both of these men are insane, Mike!
MI: No, Adam was cured of that, remember? Anyway, GRENDEL is using the bars of the steel cage to stagger up to his knees. Now he’s grabbing Holiday... and he’s choking him out against those bars!
LN: Stop it, GRENDEL, for godsakes! You’re gonna kill the man!
MI: I don’t think he cares! He’s continuing to press the larynx of Adam Holiday against that cold steel! OH! A desperation kick to the midsection by Holiday! Now another one, and a third, and GRENDEL staggers down! Holiday has to take a moment to catch his breath, but already GRENDEL is right back on top of him with mounted punches!
1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... 9... 10... 11... 12... 13...
MI: GRENDEL gets up off of Adam Holiday, and he has a sick, satisfied look on his face! Now he’s starting to head back up to the top of the cage!
LN: Is he gonna hit another huge move on Holiday to put the nail in the coffin? Or is he going to be content to simply climb all the way to the roof of the cell?
MI: He’s about ten feet up now, and still climbing... I think this time he’s going to go for it. But the scary fact of the matter is, you just never know!
LN: Fifteen feet... wait, Holiday’s getting to his feet!
MI: YES, INDEED! He’s dragging himself to his feet using the steel bars, and he’s up! NOW HE MISSILE-DROPKICKED THE SIDE OF THE CAGE!!!
LN: And GRENDEL’s staggering... HE FELL DOWN!
MI: MY GOD! FIFTEEN FEET STRAIGHT DOWN FOR THE MAN CALLED GRENDEL! AND THIS TIME, HE LANDED ON NOTHING BUT CANVAS!
LN: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! ADAM HOLIDAY HAS A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY HERE!
MI: He seems to be asking the fans what he should do... and now he starts climbing the cage! Go, Adam!
LN: Get up, GRENDEL!
MI: Holiday’s about ten feet up and climbing rapidly! Fifteen feet... twenty feet... twenty-five...
LN: THAT would be one hell of a fall.
MI: GRENDEL’s starting to stagger to his feet as well, and he’s climbing up the opposite side of the cage! Adam Holiday’s now touching the ceiling of the Hell in a Cell, and he’s looking for the door that will take him up to the roof! He’s doing some very careful negotiating of those cage walls...
LN: He’d better be careful, that’s a long way down, and GRENDEL’s ten feet up the wall now.
MI: I think he found the door in the neutral corner! Yes, indeed. He’s starting to climb his way towards it... and he’s got it open! Adam, very carefully, opens up that door and climbs up to the roof of the cell! He’s got a little bit of time to try and get that ladder set up in the middle...
LN: Yeah, and he seems to be taking all that time, too. GRENDEL’s halfway up the cage wall; Holiday had better hurry!
MI: Adam’s looking up towards the ceiling of the arena, trying to see the belt hanging up there. There must be some kind of glare coming off that belt that makes it hard to see that high up.
LN: He needs to hurry! GRENDEL’s only ten feet below him and closing fast!
MI: Adam’s got the ladder set up, and he’s starting to climb! My God, what a visual!
LN: Imagine what would happen if one of these men fell off that ladder! That person could be killed instantly!
MI: GRENDEL is scurrying up the side of that cage as if his life depended on it! And he’s up on the same level as Holiday! Holiday sees him and flies off the ladder with a missile dropkick! HOLY SHIT, that nearly sent GRENDEL sprawling off the top of the cage!
LN: And these two men are going to fisticuffs! This is SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW! JUST ONE MISTAKE COULD BE FATAL AT THIS HEIGHT!
MI: They’re exchanging punches back and forth, and now Holiday gains the advantage! OH, GRENDEL went downstairs with that punch, and Holiday doubles over! GRENDEL’s got The Soul Survivor up... CHOKESLAM! CHOKESLAM!!!!!
LN: And GRENDEL’s signaling... he’s going to try and throw Holiday off the top! NO, DON’T DO IT!
MI: I didn’t know you cared, Larry.
LN: I don’t... BUT HE’S NOT WORTH IT!
MI: *sighs*... Wait, someone else is scurrying up the top of the cell, extremely fast! It’s... it’s Rachel Holiday!
LN: Rachel’s already ten feet up! She’s running in to try and save her husband!
MI: Rachel’s climbing that cell like an expert! She’s now twenty feet up! Meanwhile, GRENDEL lifts Holiday up for a fallaway slam... and his back is towards the edge of that cage roof! He’s going to try and fallaway slam Holiday off the top!
LN: But Rachel’s up, and GRENDEL sees her! He lowers Holiday and gives Rachel a big boot to the face! Rachel’s down!!!
MI: And holy shit, GRENDEL lifts Rachel to her feet and he’s got her by the throat...
LN: Adam’s up to his feet, and he taps GRENDEL on the shoulder! A big punch to GRENDEL’s face!
MI: And another! Rachel’s free, and Adam’s telling her to go back down, which she’s starting to do! Meanwhile, Adam nails GRENDEL in the chest with the ladder and now sets it up in the center! He’s starting to climb!
LN: Jeez, it’s do-or-die now!
MI: GRENDEL’s using the ladder to stagger up, himself! Both men are on the ladder! A SINGLE TIP IN THE WRONG DIRECTION COULD END BOTH MEN’S LIVES!
LN: THEY’RE BOTH ON THE LADDER, AND NOW THEY’RE BOTH HOLDING THE TITLE BELT!
MI: IT’S... IT’S TIPPING!!! NO! BE CAREFUL!
LN: IT’S...
MI: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD, PART OF THE CAGE JUST COLLAPSED AND THE LADDER HAS TIPPED ALL THE WAY OVER, SENDING BOTH MEN ALL THE WAY DOWN AND THROUGH THE SPANISH ANNOUNCER’S TABLE!
LN: Holy... shit.
MI: HOLY SHIT! THEY BOTH MUST BE DEAD! GRENDEL LANDED ON TOP OF ADAM HOLIDAY, AND CLEARLY HOLIDAY SUFFERED THE WORST OF THE FALL!
LN: And they both still have the title belt. Who wins?
MI: The ring announcer’s speaking.
RA: Ladies and gentlemen, referee Kevin Stripes has informed me that the first man to rise to his feet with the belt and declares himself the champion will be the winner.
MI: WHOA! SO SOMEONE IS GOING TO HAVE TO GET TO HIS FEET FIRST!
LN: But it’s been two minutes, and neither man has moved! Well, now GRENDEL is stirring just a little bit. He’s moving his legs, that’s a good sign... now he’s crawling over to our announcing table and trying to use it to help himself stand...
MI: And he’s ripped the title belt out of Adam Holiday’s hands... he’s standing...
GRENDEL: *weakly* I am... the champion... *falls back down*...
MI: And the referee is ringing the belt, that’s it!
RA: Ladies and gentlemen, your winner and NEW SOUL SURVIVOR CHAMPION, GRENDEL!
MI: Several officials are coming down to the ring right now and helping GRENDEL walk to the back, but Adam Holiday still has not moved! Now President Steve Grant, Vice President BDC and Commissioner Z are running down to ringside! Rachel Holiday’s in tears as she leans over her husband! And Grant’s calling for a team of medical technicians!
LN: My God. Fans, this is very real, this is not part of any wrestling storyline... Adam Holiday has suffered a fall from almost thirty-five feet in the air, apparently landing on his neck. They’re getting a neck brace on Holiday, and now they’re wheeling him out. Grant, BDC and Z are following along, as our cameras go to the back.
MI: This just in, Larry: Adam Holiday is breathing, but he still has not moved his legs.
LN: Thank God he’s alive, but I just hope and pray he isn’t paralyzed.
MI: We’ve been told that Adam Holiday has landed on his neck, and that, to me, is a very, very frightening prospect. One could very easily be paralyzed or killed from such a serious shock to the neck.
LN: They’re wheeling Adam Holiday into the ambulance. Rachel Holiday, BDC and Z are all riding with them. You can see from the look on his face that Steve Grant also wants to ride down to the hospital with Adam Holiday, but he’s got a match-- actually, he’s got one next.
MI: We’re going to take a break, fans, and we will keep you appraised on the condition of Adam Holiday as the night goes on.
The audio cuts off, and the camera shows the cage being taken down for several minutes...
MI: Fans, we’re back, and it’s time for our Intercontinental Championship match. We’ve received word from the hospital that Adam Holiday is expected to make it... but it doesn’t seem likely that he’ll ever be able to regain the use of his legs.
LN: This is seriously messed-up shit, Mike. But we’ve got to finish this show.
"What About Trey" by Eminem, Dr. Dre, Snoop Doggy Dogg, The Dogg Pound, The Harlem Boys Choir, and the Bald Guy from Night Court plays over the PA as "Last Action Hero" Trey Reed comes to the ring.
RA: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is a submission match and it is for the New Era Wrestling Intercontinental Championship! Introducing first the challenger, representing Interstate 999.2k1. From Palm Springs, California, weighing in at 220 pounds, he is The Last Action Hero, TREY REED!
MI: Here's Reed. He looks ready for this match.
LN: And now that Grant has a hurt wing, he is an odds on favorite.
MI: Don't count out the intestinal fortitude of the Blue Inferno.
"Hells Bells" by AC/DC plays over the PA as Steve Grant comes out favoring that shoulder.
RA: His opponent represents Death Valley. From Juneau, Alaska, weighing 295 pounds, he is the President of NEW and the New Era Wrestling Intercontinental Champion... STEVE GRANT!
MI: He's hurt.
LN: He's dumb. You're going to lose the title, why get yourself killed over it?
MI: Bell rings and here we go!!
LN: Reed guns for the shoulder, but Grant combats his way away from Reed, swinging with that good arm.
MI: Grant tries for the Inferno Kick early, but Reed catches it and nails a field goal kick to the Icebergs of the Blue Inferno
LN: Icebergs?
MI: What? I can't say balls on the air.
LN: You just did.
MI: Oh. Anyways. Reed now has a crossface-chicken wing and he's got that bad shoulder locked in there. Look at the intensity on Reed's face.
LN: And look at the pain on Grant's. But he gets to the ropes and Reed is forced to break the hold. Reed back to work hammering that shoulder.
MI: Reed with a single arm DDT. Grant is down and Reed is going to the outside. He's got himself a chair folks. This isn't good.
LN: Sure it is. He's putting Grant's shoulder in the chair. He's going to Pillmanize Grant's shoulder. Reed to the middle turnbuckle.
MI: Grant countered!! He put the chair in Reed's chin! Grant back to his feet. Knife edge chops. The folks in Alaska are hearing those chops!!
LN: I doubt it. Anyways, Grant has Reed backed into the corner, and he's still chopping away.
MI: Reed caught the last chop. Crippler Crossface!! And look what shoulder he has locked in!!
LN: Grant can't take much more of this. He's gonna tap!
MI: No! He grabbed the ropes, but Reed is still holding on! Look at the look! Reed has snapped!!
LN: No, I think Grant has snapped, his shoulder anyways.
MI: Finally, Reed lets go. And he's dragging Grant to the middle of the ring, and puts the crossface on again!
LN: Is that a tear in Grant's eye?
MI: Grant refuses to tap!! He's crawling for the ropes!!
LN: The more he crawls, the more Reed cranks back! Grant is looking faint.
MI: The ref is asking, but nothing is coming from Grant. The ref checks the arm.
The ref picks up Grant's arm and it falls.
LN: There's one.
The ref picks up Grant's arm and it falls.
MI: There's two.
LN: I swear, if he Hulks up......
The ref picks up Grant's arm and it falls, the ref calls for the bell
MI: GRANT PASSED OUT!!
LN: And Reed isn't letting go! And he's the NEW IC Champ!
MI: Get him out of there ref. Reed has snapped. He's foaming at the mouth!
LN: Ahh damn here comes some refs to break it up.
MI: You're sick. So is Trey Reed.
LN: Oh shut up.
MI: Fans, we'll be right back.
Cut to Commercial for BDC: Attorney at Law.
MI: We’re back, fans, and fifteen minutes before the start of tonight’s pay-per-view, D. R. H. brutally attacked Sport Jones. Let’s take you back.
The camera fades in to the backstage area, to the locker room of NEW World Champion, Sport Jones. Sport Jones sits on a couch in the room, watching the PPV on a big screen TV and sipping some champagne. All of a sudden, there is a knock on the door. Not wanting to be disturbed, Sport Jones gets up and walks over to the door.
Sport Jones: Who is it? What the hell do you want?
Voice: Candy-gram for Sport Jones!
Wondering who in the hell would send him a candy-gram, Sport opens the door. Before him stands none other than the man he won the World Title from, “Mr. Insanity” D.R.H dressed in his ring attire with a bow tie tied around his neck, a bellboy hat tied around his head, a box of chocolates in one hand, and a bunch of balloons tied to a length of barbed wire in the other! D.R.H. slams the box of chocolates into Sport Jones’ face, knocking him back, and then starts strangling the World Champ with the length of barbed wire!
D.R.H: SPO KNOWS HARDCORE, HUH!?!? DOES SPO KNOW BARBED WIRE!?!?!?
D.R.H lets off the barbed wire and grabs Sport Jones by his head.
D.R.H: DOES SPO KNOW GLASS!?!?
D.R.H then smashes Sport Jones’ head into a picture hanging on the wall, shattering the glass.
D.R.H: DOES SPO KNOW SCALDING HOT COFFEE!?!?!
He then grabs a pot of coffee off the nearby coffee maker and splashes it all over the dazed World Champion.
D.R.H: DOES SPO KNOW KNEE TO THE GROIN!?!?!?!?
D.R.H then rams his knee into Sport Jones’ balls.
D.R.H: DOES SPO KNOW HERNIATED SPINAL DISC!?!?!?
D.R.H then lifts Sport Jones up and powerbombs him hard through the coffee table in front of his couch!!! The camera fades back to the announcer’s table where Mike Ixnay and Larry Nabisco sit.
MI: This attack happened a little under three hours ago, Larry, and you have to ask yourself, what kind of condition is Sport Jones in?
LN: Wait a minute... Sport was attacked before tonight’s event, Simons just woke up at three this morning... I’ve got to heavily favor D. R. H. in this match!
MI: It’s main-event time for Gold Rush! The World Heavyweight Title is gonna be on the line, as Sport Jones defends against D. R. H. and Damien Simons! Here we go folks, this is the big one.
"No More Tears" by Ozzy Osborne plays as D.R.H. comes to the ring with Dave the Skull and Ben the Squirrel.
RA: Ladies and gentlemen, tonight’s main event is for the NEW World Heavyweight Championship, and it is a triple-threat match! Introducing first, representing Damage Inc., he is one-half of the New Era Wrestling World Tag Team Champions... D. R. H.!
MI: Why is he bringing those two things down the ring?
LN: They're his friends, I guess.
"Can’t Spo This" by Bob Denver and M. C. Hammer plays as Damien Simons comes to the ring.
RA: Introducing at this time, representing Interstate 999.2k1, DAMIEN SIMONS!
MI: This man is getting bigger every time I see him. You agree Larry?
LN: Don't know Mike, I'm not peeking in the men's room.
MI: That's not what I was talking about.
LN: Right.....
"War Machine" by Kiss plays as Sport Jones comes to the ring.
MI: Here's our champion.
LN: Your champion.
MI: And D.R.H. and Simons aren't even letting Jones into the ring.
LN: Well, Simons deserves this shot and Jones SCREWED Helton out of the title, so Jones is getting what he deserves.
MI: Helton and Simons finally roll Sport into the ring, and Jones gets to his feet. Kick to the gut of Helton, right hand to Simons, kick to the chest of Helton and Jones is on fire.
LN: Jones is looking good early, but it won't last.
MI: Side Russian Leg Sweep to Simons, but D.R.H. catches Sport on the way back up.
LN: What a clothesline. D.R.H. goes to the outside and grabs himself a seat.
MI: He's just sitting there jawing at the fans at ringside.
LN: Simons and Jones are back into the match and Helton is still outside the ring.
MI: Jones nails Simons with a spinning wheel kick. Jones sees Helton outside the ring with his back to the ring. Jones goes outside the ring and goes for something underneath the ring.
LN: Oh no, he's got a hockey stick! MI: This isn't good. SPORT JUST NAILED HELTON IN THE BACK WITH THAT HOCKEY STICK!
LN: What a cheep shot. I don't believe he calls himself a champion.
MI: Jones rolls Helton back into the ring, and Simons goes toward D.R.H., but instead attacks Jones!
LN: He's focusing on the Champ! Get him Simons!!
MI: Helton is back up and Simons throws Sport off the ropes, 3D!! 3D!! Jones is holding his neck. This isn't good.
LN: Simons picks up Jones and goes for the Tombstone, but Jones counters it, but runs right into a boot from D.R.H.
MI: Now Simons goes outside the ring, and he grabs a seat, but he's throwing it into the ring. D.R.H. picks it up, and he measures Jones......
LN: Mike, did you hear that crack?
MI: Yes I did, and it doesn't sound like Jones is getting up. Helton makes the cover. 1...2...and Simons kicks Helton off.
LN: Now D.R.H. and Simons are getting into a pushing match. If they had a plan, it's not working now.
MI: Jones is back up and Simons and Helton give him a big double boot. They're back on the same page.
LN: Helton screams it's over. DDT!! That was a nasty one!
MI: Simons picks up Jones....SCREWDRIVER!!!
LN: D.R.H. with the cover 1.....2.....Simons kicks him off! Helton is pissed!
MI: Simons SCREWDRIVERS D.R.H.!!!!!
LN: Cover 1...2...3!!!! We have a new champion!!!!!
MI: Simons did it!! He's the Champion!! I don’t believe it!
LN: Simons has done it! Finally, he’s shaken of the stigma of being “the best wrestler never to win the World Title.” He’s the new Heavyweight Champion of the World!
MI: And fans, we’re out of time, see you next week on NEW Monday Night!
The camera fades as Simons holds the World Title belt high over his head, almost in disbelief...